Monday, May 11, 2009

Why I'm breaking up with the Food Network

Dear Food Network,

I remember when I was young and naive. We met one summer during episodes of the original "Iron Chef," and I immediately fell in love. We bonded over such classics as Ming Tsai's "East Meets West" and Anthony Bourdain's "A Cook's Tour." I thought it was meant to be. I spent a week home sick with you, creating an Emeril classic every night. I dreamt many happy dreams of meatloaf after letting you gently lull me to sleep.

Well Food Network, I think it's time that our love affair ends. You've given me many happy memories and inspired some of my best dishes. I'm not saying we'll never see each other. We'll always be friends, but I think we should see other people. Times have changed. I'm not sure I can stick around while you insist on showing me nothing but reality competitions and Bobby Flay spewing nonsense and hot sauce everywhere. I've moved on.

And so have other people. I should have listened to Emeril and Anthony Bourdain when they discovered that there is better tv out there. When they realized that you would sell your soul for a shot of Giada De Laurentiis wearing a low cut top. I won't pretend that didn't hurt.

I'm not sure I can stomach another sight of Paula Deen wrapping some cheese in bacon, deep frying it and passing it off as food. Well maybe I'm exaggerating but how about a bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg, sandwiched between two glazed donuts? Someone gave you some bad dating advice on that one. My other personal faves: Chocolate covered potato eggs and peanut butter cheese fudge.

So it's out of concern for my health that we seperate. Public television has been showing me something good recently, I think I might give him a shot. It's nothing personal, and just like a juicy piece of meat that calls out my name, I'm sure I'll see you again.

Always and forever,

1 comment:

  1. I have to say, I am a little shocked. As a fan of the current food network, Guy's greasy Dives, Duff's outrageous cakes, and yes, Giada low cut tops. I see nothing wrong with the direction of teh network.

    However, Paula needs to work on getting rid of that accent and find some "I can't believe its not Butter" fast or she might just explode and that would be a pitty.

    As for Bobby? Ugh, it's a shame they constantly send him to challenge perfectly good chefs. The reason people like Mommas homemade Mac 'n Cheese and cause IT'S NOT Bobby's Wheat Maccroni with Brie and Aged Sharp Cheddar. Let these people be!

    Bobby should be chained to his back ginormous deck grill and tell me how he plans on grilling a salad...

    - Zeke Flintstone