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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ode to a Cucumber

You know what I think is just as cool
As an afternoon spent by the pool?
I’ll give you a hint, it’s long and green.
And at the farmer’s market it can be seen.


But only when the weather is nice and hot.
During the winter months, you’ll find it not.
So all winter long I wait and wait.
With nothing but potatoes to fill my plate.
I eagerly await the arrival of spring.
And of all the green things that it will bring.
Asparagus and strawberries are a hopeful sign.
Of a bountiful summer that soon will be mine.
At last the day is finally here!
When I first bite into a cold crunchy spear.
I sprinkle with salt, or just eat it plain.
Until a ripe summer tomato I can obtain.

Then panzanella always does the trick.
A dish I can prepare really quick.
And into tzatziki for a delicious dip.
Or maybe I'll make a summer sip?
It makes a great cocktail or so I’m told.
Gazpacho too, served nice and cold.
When August comes they’re everywhere.
From friends’ backyards to my CSA share.
At times it seems it’s more than I need.
Then I think about all the hungry mouths to feed.
But if I can’t use it, it’s not the end.
I’ve always wanted to try pickling our vegetable friend.
And a cold slice placed over the eyes
Is said to really revitalize.
So the next time you’re trying to beat the heat.
I know just what you need for a refreshing treat.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Recipe for Steamed Eyeball

What do you do with fresh jalapeno peppers? It's surprisingly hard to come up with uses for 6 whole peppers that don't involve a giant vat of salsa. When repeatedly given peppers by my CSA I decided to try my hand at jalapeno cheddar cornbread to go with my world famous chili. Having a penchant for spicy food but no experience cooking with chili peppers, you can imagine that my first attempt was somewhat foolhardy. Everybody thinks they can handle more heat than the average person right? Especially when the recipe is from Ina Garten.

It wasn't the spice that got me. I still think I'm right in leaving some of the seeds and membranes in, otherwise what's the point? The problem arose when I attempted to put my contacts in. {Insert bloodcurdling scream here.} I immediately pried my eye open, took my contact out and put my glasses back on only to find that my glasses steamed up on that one side. You heard that right. My eyeball was literally steaming. My eye doctor thought it was hilarious. I did not.

Other than that, this is a good recipe for a beginner baker. I've actually made it twice, tweaking it to get the right texture. I really wanted a moist cornbread that didn't fall apart, so I used an additional egg. I also used less than the 2 sticks of butter suggested. Only certain southern Food Network chefs who shall remain nameless need that much butter in one batch of cornbread. I'm not sure what Ina was thinking.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

More From the Funny Vegetable Department

See Sam's post for further explanation as to why this is funny.

No Caption Necessary


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Meat... You're right in liking it.

Thank you to the folks over at Serious Eats for providing constant food entertainment. This gem I found the other day was made for Worst Vegetarian Ever:

"Vintage Meat" Pictures from Flickr.

I think I just found my Valentine's Day cards for next year and plenty of good ideas. How about a sandwich with meat instead of bread. Brilliant!

And just a suggestion. While "Vintage Meat" has a certain je ne sais quoi, I think "Vintage Pictures of Meat" would be more accurate.

If Drug Dealers Became Botanists

I must say I've learned a lot about the different varieties of vegetables this summer. From "Burgundy Beans" to "Detroit Red Beets" my CSA shares have inspired me to do some research into common and not-so-common produce and their uses. My conclusion: either farmers have a weird sense of humor or they are buying their seeds in an alley behind the 7-11.

Check out Plant World Seeds for proof and tell me these are not some shady vegetables. Here are my favorites:

Black From Tula
Cosmonaut Volkov
Gold Dust
Mexico Midget
Super Snow White
Tommy Toe
White Wonder
German Giant
Minnesota Midget
Golden Tepee
Painted Lady
Super Aqualdulce
King of Mammoth
Snowman
Early Summer Crookneck
Yugoslavian Finger Fruit

I'm thinking these could be good band names too.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Semi Homemade or Completely Unnecessary?

Sorry Food Network, I'm not finished my rant yet. I came across a brilliant article on everybody's favorite not-so-anonomously alcoholic, parading as a chef, and just plain lazy Food Network star Sandra Lee. I couldn't help myself.

Sandra Lee is everything that is wrong with home cooking and one of the few reasons that I will turn off Food Network and voluntarily watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Now that's really saying something.

Betty aptly described Sandra Lee as a "skinny Paula Deen" and you know how I feel about Paula Deen. How they both get paid to melt some Velveeta cheese, stick a spoon in it and call it soup will remain a mystery to me. I think Sandra scores higher on the offense-a-meter because of the fake smile, cringe inducing pink cocktails and stupid "tablescapes." At least Paula doesn't sugarcoat everything. Oh wait, I forgot about the time that she wrapped some chicken in bacon and coated the whole thing in sugar. Well, they're both foolish. Read the article if you want a good laugh.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Why I'm breaking up with the Food Network

Dear Food Network,

I remember when I was young and naive. We met one summer during episodes of the original "Iron Chef," and I immediately fell in love. We bonded over such classics as Ming Tsai's "East Meets West" and Anthony Bourdain's "A Cook's Tour." I thought it was meant to be. I spent a week home sick with you, creating an Emeril classic every night. I dreamt many happy dreams of meatloaf after letting you gently lull me to sleep.

Well Food Network, I think it's time that our love affair ends. You've given me many happy memories and inspired some of my best dishes. I'm not saying we'll never see each other. We'll always be friends, but I think we should see other people. Times have changed. I'm not sure I can stick around while you insist on showing me nothing but reality competitions and Bobby Flay spewing nonsense and hot sauce everywhere. I've moved on.

And so have other people. I should have listened to Emeril and Anthony Bourdain when they discovered that there is better tv out there. When they realized that you would sell your soul for a shot of Giada De Laurentiis wearing a low cut top. I won't pretend that didn't hurt.

I'm not sure I can stomach another sight of Paula Deen wrapping some cheese in bacon, deep frying it and passing it off as food. Well maybe I'm exaggerating but how about a bacon cheeseburger with a fried egg, sandwiched between two glazed donuts? Someone gave you some bad dating advice on that one. My other personal faves: Chocolate covered potato eggs and peanut butter cheese fudge.

So it's out of concern for my health that we seperate. Public television has been showing me something good recently, I think I might give him a shot. It's nothing personal, and just like a juicy piece of meat that calls out my name, I'm sure I'll see you again.

Always and forever,
Wilma

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ode to a Food Truck


I remember being skeptical
Of eating off the street
But after trying many foods
It really can’t be beat

Whenever I need comfort
I know what’s sure to please
It’s something very simple
A Bui’s egg and cheese

The line at Magic Carpet
Sometimes makes me hesitate
But the tasty bella donna
Is always worth the wait

And Hemo’s is a favorite
I’ve heard it is delish
But how 'bout something veggie
Or maybe even fish?

Viva Las Vegans
I love your crispy fries
But how come you are never there
Despite my many tries?

For some nachos or a taco
I go to Lucky’s Mexican Spot
They have salads and burritos
For those who like it hot

To both of the Le Anh’s
I’ll never know which one is real
But no matter which I go to
I’m sure to find a deal

Koja grille on 38th
Makes great Korean food
Perfect for something different
When I’m in the mood

Lyn’s outside of lower quad
I can not get enough
Of your delicious eggplant parm
That’s filled with lots of stuff

For price and convenience
Even Wawa can’t compare
So to all my favorite food trucks
Thanks for always being there